My last post was a long rant about all the things that I have been keeping suppressed inside me for 3 years. And that's all it was. A rant. I just had to let it out so that I could begin to see clearly again. And I am seeing clearly again.
Everything I said in my last post is something that I have legitimately been feeling. But its the bad half. The good feelings have been kept out because the bad ones have been clouding my judgment for so long. I needed to expose myself...and release all of my weakest, childish emotions so that I can start acting like an adult and taking responsibility.
I have seen that over just the last 24 hours, 60 people have read my blog, but I only had one response. And thank God for that response. Nikki sorta slapped me in the face in a long reply, basically telling me to quit wallowing in self-pity, start trusting God, and get to work.
Well, Nikki, you're right. I do need to stop wallowing, start trusting, and get busy. It really is simple, easy advice, but sometimes the only time real progress can be made is if you rip out all the stuff that is in the way of progress, just like the only way the Holy Spirit can enter your heart is after you clear yourself of sins in baptism. I think that is what needed to be done in my case. Yes, I've complained before. I complain a lot. But I never truly explained what was on my heart. People ask, "how are you doing?" but they don't really care. Honestly. How many of you who read the last post started mentally rebuking me? How many of you would have wanted me to say all that in response to a friendly "How are you?" Not very many, I can guess.
So anyway, I know what I did and said was childish and immature. I recognize that I have a lot of growing up to do. A LOT. I do need to stop looking at the past and start looking to the future. And I need to start looking to the future with hope-filled glasses, not terror-filled glasses.
I guess part of my problem is that I feel like many of my friends at OC have abandoned me. My fault, no doubt. I used to hang out with lots of great people, but they hardly look my way anymore. It hurts every day to see them but to realize that they don't really want to talk to me. But thanks to Nikki and a few others who really care, I realize that there are still a few who are willing to stick by me through times like this when I've been going through some personal issues.
I guess the point of me writing is to let everyone know that I'm really trying to make some progress in my grades AND maturity. I'm working on my pride and depression. I really do miss my friends, though. Those who don't consider themselves my friends can say and think whatever they want about me, but to those of you who do care, I'd really appreciate the opportunity to talk, hang out, and have fun. I miss doing that.
And meanwhile, I am definitely going to try my hardest to keep up with my grades and everything else that I need to improve on. I have my moments of weakness. Lots of them. Now let's see how much strength I've got.
Way to be.
ReplyDelete:)