Tell Me What To Do

I HATE MONEY.

I HATE MONEY.

I HATE THAT THE WORLD RUNS ON MONEY.

I HATE THAT IN ORDER TO DO THINGS TO MAKE MORE MONEY YOU HAVE TO SPEND LOTS OF MONEY.

Seriously. The economy is messed up...more than it has been in forever...and right now, all my energy is devoted to succeeding in an institution that was founded to give me a piece of paper that says that I deserve to make more money. Thus America goes. "If you don't have a college degree, you're a failure," people try to make you believe. If you don't have a college degree, it's only because you are lazy, a bad person who spends their study time partying, or just plain stupid. Or because you're too poor to afford a good college education. Lots of people make the bucks just by convincing you that you need their help to afford college.

A university education is an important and usually profitable investment. I don't deny that. And where else will one learn the proper techniques of conducting or history or theory of music? Books and videos could probably do the trick, but only teachers can sign that all-important document that confirms that you have actually learned what you set out to learn. Signatures and legal documents. Ugh.

If not college, then what else is one to do with their life other than work at McDonalds? I wish I knew. Believe me. I don't know what to do if I am unable to return to school except to let luck lead me. And I have spent most of my semesters here at OC in terror of failing out. Well, not necessarily FAILING out. If it was just a matter of academic standing, I'd be totally in the clear. Unfortunately, I need lots of money to stay, and the requirement for keeping a large scholarship is a really good GPA. I have never had a GPA over 3.0 since I've been here. There are so many reasons I could point to that could explain why this is, but in the end, it always comes down to MYSELF.

Ok, my projection of this blog post as I envision it in my head is starting to worry me, because I see myself having to reveal weakness in me. Nevertheless, I feel like I must continue.

As I was saying, there is nothing to blame but myself for the constant threat of having to withdraw from school because of money. Funny thing...I was checking my projected GPA for this semester, and in order to get it up to where it needs to be to keep my big scholarship, I'd need to get all A's. No biggie. So what if I am taking a music history class by Dr. Harold Fletcher? So what if I have NEVER in my life EVER been a STRAIGHT A STUDENT? That's what they expect. Other people can do it. Why not me? Sure, I can take the semester off from shows and try to focus on my grades. Midterms come around and what do I have? I am FAILING 2 classes. At least. They're not all in yet.

"Oh, you've got so much talent and potential. You'd be fine if you'd only apply yourself. You apply yourself at the things you like but not the things that you don't like."

I have heard this SO many times! Has it ever crossed their minds that maybe I do my best to apply myself to everything? And that maybe the things I like are the things that I like because I can actually succeed at them? Thus, Success = THINGS THAT I LIKE, and Failure = THINGS THAT I DON'T LIKE BECAUSE I AM A FAILURE AT THEM.

Do people think that I ENJOY failing classes? Do people think that I am so caught up in myself that I don't think that I need to try? Do people think that I am so conceited that I expect everything to just work out for me? I know better than that. I am in my sixth semester. Third time's the charm, right? Ok, let's say that the fourth time is the charm. No? Fifth time. Hmm. SIXTH time. Let's just keep trying. Keep lying to myself and make myself think that I can find a way out. Only one semester ever at OC have I not outright FAILED a class.

Even now, I am trying to console a person close to me because they have an F at midterms. They are failing a class that they have spent so much time working at. I got an A in the same class with the same teacher, book, assignments...yet now when I check over the worksheets, I feel like I am failing all over again, because grades are coming back at 45%, 22%, 17%...

What does it mean? First of all, I take it to mean that a grade means nothing. I got an A, but now I guess that even though it doesn't feel like it to me, I have forgotten almost everything. Second, it does make me feel a bit better to know that I am not the only one who is failing at things that we are doing our best to pass. Screw the GPA. My friend and I just want to PASS!

I was homeschooled. I hate to say this, but I believe that is at least 50 percent of the problem, and that is being nice. When I was homeschooled, I had very little responsibility. My parents were the kind you would call "overprotective" (the politician in my keeps me from expressing my own opinions). I was kept at arm's length at all times. Being at home all the time, there was almost no opportunity to truly learn personal responsibility while growing up. It's not that hard to express in theory, but everyone will admit that it is difficult to practice in real life, especially in a busy, technologically-driven society.

Today, for a normal person who grew up having to go to a normal school and develop normal social habits, it is difficult to practice good study habits and to be responsible. For a homeschooler, life becomes even more difficult. For me, who fought and hated being confined at home all the time, I couldn't learn (or refused to learn) time-management, good study habits, or a sense of responsibility.

Then I was thrown into college to pursue one of the top 2 hardest degrees at Oklahoma Christian University (next to nursing). I wasn't just expected to pass. I was expected to pass with an excellent GPA. If I have any worse than a B, people back home scold me...and what is the thing I hear most when getting in trouble for getting C's, D's, and F's?

"You're wasting our money! Get a job and pay to fail school on your own!"

"No, you can't buy a car. You need to pay for your schooling. You need to bring up your GPA."

"Why can't you pay for your cell phone, driver's insurance, and other things like your brother does? He has a job and does his schoolwork!"

Well I'M SORRY if I'm not as good a child as he is! I'm sorry if I didn't have my OWN older brother to look up to and learn what not to do! I'm SORRY if you value success monetarily, thus I'm not successful in your eyes! I'm SORRY that I never became a people person, thus I couldn't become Chick-Fil-A's favorite guy dressed in a cow costume! I know what has been said to my younger siblings while I've been away! "Don't turn out like Ryan. Don't do what Ryan does." WHAT do I do, exactly? Am I an investment to you? An investment that was unable to turn a profit? Because that's what I feel like. And I'm SORRY if that doesn't make me want to work harder for you.

For YOU? Who's future is at stake here?

This has gone on for way too long. I really need to wrap up, so I will. I love to learn what I am learning. Music history is, by far, one of the most fascinating things about music I have ever encountered. But alas, I don't think I'm cut out to finish my education here. If I do, then it will be a miracle. Literally. Because I do not have it in me to succeed academically. That's where God is supposed to come in. Well, he can answer my prayers any time now. Any time. Because I'd like to develop myself as a person, as a boyfriend, and as a Christian while I can, without spending every sweat-filled minute of my collegiate career focusing on staying as far away from an F as possible.