The Beast and I

When we heard that this year's musical was going to be Beauty and the Beast, I was just as excited as everyone else. They warned us that this musical was groundbreaking for Oklahoma Christian University. They warned us that people expected a lot from this production, and that the school had sunk a LOT of money into it. 

Which is why I was as skeptical as everyone else when they posted the cast list, putting "Ryan Gonzales" next to "the Beast."

Yes, it was the part I wanted the most. Yes, I was dancing inside when I saw my name. But when the excitement died down, all the pressure sprang up. I've never been a strong actor. Why did they put me in this role? There is only one real song that the Beast sings, so I can't imagine that having much influence on it. I didn't have a very good reputation among my university peers after things that I'd said and done. People didn't want to be around me. I have spent the last year and a half feeling cut off from people, shutting myself away in my room when I had nothing to do, which was often. Even cast members who I would be working very closely with had negative feelings towards me. This was what worried me the most. I wanted more than anything for my fellow cast to enjoy doing this show, and I didn't want to cause them to not enjoy themselves because they had to work with me. I knew this to be true last year, and I wanted nothing more than to begin work on this show with a clean slate.

So I swallowed my fear and made myself confront those who I had been avoiding for more than a year, and apologized for my past immaturity. It needed to be done anyway. I had hopes of rekindling the close friendships that we had had, but that was wishful thinking. Some bonds cannot be retied to the same strength after being severed. But at least we managed to find a good, professional friendship after that. When that was accomplished, I was able to focus on developing my character as the Beast. 

Now came a whole new challenge. Going back to what I was saying before...I was never a strong actor. I did decently in past shows, but I never really delivered a strong performance. The Beast, first of all, is supposed to be a pretty big person/animal physically. I'm not that! There is also a lot of depth to his character, not to mention the challenge of meeting audience expectation. I didn't expect to be their favorite character simply because comedic relief usually appeals more to the audience, but like anyone who spends time onstage, if you don't give a convincing performance, then it can definitely hurt the entire show. And I wanted this show to be the best it could be! 

So how did I approach rehearsals? Professionally, of course. But I also approached each rehearsal like a performance. It was hard for me to mark (use less of) the damaging voice that I planned on using, because I spent every rehearsal trying to get in touch with the Beast that I needed to be. I needed to compensate for my physical smallness by being bigger with my movements. I needed to give the illusion of weight and strength by making big, slow, sweeping motions; rather than fast, small reactions that I usually do. I also needed to show the depth of the Beast's character. I needed to show how his past as the spoiled little prince shaped him into who he is in the first act of the show. I needed to show his temper, his spoiled-brat attitude, and long-dormant youthfulness while still communicating his fear and intimidation of Belle, because the last time he saw a pretty woman, she changed him into a monster (not to mention the fact that Belle has the power to heal the scars the last woman left)! I won't go any farther into it because I'm not sure how much I should really tell...I want to leave my performance as it was in the minds of those of you who saw it. Let me just say though that there was a lot in this character that I identified with, and it helped me with my connection to the Beast a lot. 

I'm not going to talk about the transformations because if you figured it out...shame on you; if you didn't figure it out, then embrace the mystery!

My song was especially hard to place in my mind. At first, it sounds like the Beast is completely depressed and upset. And that would be easy to portray. So that's what I did. But Chad kept giving me reasons to think about it after each rehearsal, and I came to realize that maybe I wasn't doing it right. We didn't want deep sadness because that needed to be saved for the reprise after he lets Belle go. But we don't want angry because the Beast is more dynamic than that at this point. He's thrown his fits already. I went onto youtube and watched all the performances of this song that I could (all but one of which are really not great). I read the comments too, to see what people would prefer to see in the Beast. These were mostly what helped me figure this song out. "If I Can't Love Her" isn't a song that is sung in sadness or anger, but in realization that something in the Beast needs to change if he has any hope of becoming someone that people would want to talk to or hang out with. It is so easy to blame others or circumstances for making you who you are, and there is good reason to. But if things are to change, it is not the other person or people who need to change. Their attitudes toward you are based on something about you that shouldn't be there. If people are to change their opinions of me, then the change must begin within me. It's not about her loving him. It's about him loving her, before she can love him. If he can't love her, then he is of no good to the world, and the world will take no pity in his misfortune. Again, I identify so closely to this character, and it is really scary. 

I sense Providence had something to do with this. I have been seeking and seeking how to change people's opinions of me. I have been struggling with understanding myself. I have let my circumstances in the past shape who I am. And while I won't say that the past doesn't affect us, this show has really taught me how much the present can shape us as well. In the present, we can decide whether the world is supposed to bring us roses and we can choose to accept them or turn them away, or we can decide to reciprocate that giving, and give an entire library of valuable books, time, love, etc. back to the world. 

Life is a stage. It is a series of choices...decisions...that are made in the moment that shape who we are and guide our story to the happy (or tragic) ending. The past happens before the curtain rises. You learn as an actor that the past is important to grasp before you are ready to perform. So I say again: I sense Providence had a hand in all this. This summer, I discovered a lot about myself by reaching into the past and coming to terms with things. You can watch my long video from June to see what I mean. Now, God placed me in the most unlikely role, while also taking Acting I so I would learn how to look deep into a character for a good performance; all right now so I could take the next step and really realize that after discovering my past, I need to focus on the present and make serious changes within myself and in my treatment of others, rather than expecting people to treat me differently just because I now have found good excuses for being the way I am. 

The Oklahoma Christian University cast of "Beauty and the Beast"

I want to thank all the cast and crew and directors for being so supportive of me in this musical. I have immensely enjoyed working with all of you and I'm really sad that it had to end. I thank all of you who went to see the performances this weekend. SELL-OUT CROWDS ALL THREE NIGHTS! I wonder what musical will be done next year (my last year?) to follow-up this one?

Three weeks in...

School is in full swing once again. Lots of stuff going on, as usual! But I'm trying to keep out of as much as I possibly can to focus on getting my cumulative GPA up to a 2.8 or above for the first time since the fall of my sophomore year...how I've managed to be able to keep myself from losing my scholarships completely is beyond me, but I would rather not have to worry about if this semester is going to be my last one or not. I'm done with that. So this semester, I'm taking classes that will be easy to pass with good grades. Here is my class list:

Voice Lessons
Chorale
Chamber Singers
Diction II: French and German
Physical Fitness and Wellness
Acting I
Stage Movement and Choreography
Intro to Play Production
Class Piano III (& IV?)

That last one is talking about the accelerated Class Piano that I am in on Friday afternoons. We are basically storming through 2 chapters a week, because there are 4 of us in the class who are all good sight-readers. So Dr. Thompson thinks that we will be able to cover the material for both Class Piano III and IV in this single semester! Which is fine by me. Saves me from having to pay for that credit later on!

Acting I is amazing. We get to spend class time doing acting exercises. The class is small, so we are getting to know each other pretty well! We are going to be performing several short scenes for the rest of the class over the course of the semester. I've already got my first partner and scene picked out! We rehearsed for the first time today, and things are going well already! I have a long way to go to become a good actor, but what better way to learn than by doing?

Diction II and Intro to Play Production I've taken before. So that will help my GPA even further by erasing 3 hours of F's and replacing them with 3 hours of (potentially) A's! Also, I used to HATE French. It was so hard for me to figure out. Now, I'm almost bored with the class! It's so much easier the second time around. I wish we had the semester to dedicate to learning just French, and one for just German. It really is hard stuff to learn, and that's the way most schools do it. But we don't do it that way, and so class consists mostly of Dr. Adams repeating the same stuff he's said before and getting upset at the class because they're not learning it fast enough for his taste.

Speaking of Dr. Adams, he is retiring from being the chorale director after this, his 40th, year. Instead of taking a short tour on spring break (which is what we would have normally done), we are having a huge party with all previous alumni of the OC chorale invited to attend! We will sing some literature with a large, hired orchestra, and have a grand ol' time! That's all the details that we have right now. But it is something to look forward to!

Speaking of stuff to look forward to...

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST!

BEAUTY
AND
THE
BEAST!

Yes, fall musical fever has swept the OC music and theater departments once again, but this fever is so much worse than it ever has been! And it's all because we are doing the biggest, most expensive musical we've ever attempted here! There is so much publicity and promotion going on for it. We had a HUGE number of auditionees compared to past years, even last year when we had around 70. This year we had 90 people audition for the 35 member cast. Normally, when I audition, I am nervous, yes...but it is easily controlled and channeled...this year, though, I could hardly sleep. I was freaking out  for 48 hours straight over the course of both days of auditions. I carried so much tension in my body, I was head-to-toe SORE for the next few days as though I had been exercising. I was so sure that there wasn't a place for me in this show, because I can't dance at all (which is important to be in the chorus). So it was either a principal role or none at all, I thought. And this semester, after having been dropped from the opera and the cabaret last spring, I really feel like I had something to prove (those words are actually my voice teacher's, and she is right). Although, I do admit that I need to be able to deal with not getting into shows, no matter how badly I want to. If I want to become a professional performer, this is definitely crucial. Anyway, thus was the most traumatic audition weekend of my life.

I am the Beast. 'Nuff said! :D

Public Sin vs. Secret Sin: We Are Not All So Good At Hiding It

People who judge upset me more than most anything else. People who judge whether a person is right with God or not and then bring upon themselves the authority to ACT upon such judgements...I think they are as much at fault as they whom they judge. Everyone makes mistakes. I can understand if the person's lifestyle and deliberate choices showed that they weren't even trying and didn't care to become better, but when you make judgements on someone who is obviously struggling and barely keeping their head above the water (AKA MYSELF)...I don't understand what heartless person could do something like that.

This only does more harm than good. It is very discouraging, rather then uplifting. I posted a single Facebook status in which I vented some angry feelings about something that was going on in my day, and it included abbreviations of words that were offensive. People commented on it, of course, and said some really helpful and encouraging remarks, nicely pointing out that I need to work on some obvious things. I appreciated those gestures of kindness and caring. I took them to heart, and moved on. Such is the life of any Christian. Different sins, different scenarios...but life is simply living to our best, sinning, learning, and moving on.

Everyone has issues, and we spend most of our lives dealing with them. I'm 20, and made a single Facebook post after a summer of improvement (I feel improved in some ways), and all of a sudden I've got my song leading taken away. That doesn't even make sense! If a person struggles, wouldn't the encouraging thing and uplifting thing be to let them show how much they truly love God? How much they care about him? It's not "mixed signals." It's a reality check for all those who think they have to hide their sins from the church and pretend that we're better people than we are. They see someone whom they know to be struggling get up and lead with a passion that rarely shows itself anywhere else, and THAT is encouragement that can scarce be found in any other context. But right now, I feel so discouraged, let-down, disappointed (not just in myself)...

I feel like a huge problem in the church is the idea that we all need to be such good examples for each other. This is a good attitude, but it can be taken too far. As a child growing up in the church, I would look at my life and see so much wrong with it, and I'd look at the preacher, the elders, etc. and see perfection. Literally. They would say they weren't perfect, but I could never see anything but. And I feel like, to some extent, a lot of the kids in the congregation felt this way. A huge percentage of youth members drop out of the church when they leave for school. It's a proven fact. But why? I won't try to address this issue right now, but something could be made better, I'm sure of it. I don't have answers, but I'm raising questions. Things I'd like to understand better. I want the church to grow and be a light to the world.

Being at college has been the best years of my life, mostly because I've been able to freely make mistakes and to grow. I meet people who are Bible majors at a Christian university who have struggled with way worse than I have...things they are still struggling with. Yet they are some of the strongest, most passionate Christian people I've ever met. NOT because they seem perfect, but because of the opposite. Because I can see my flaws in them, and I can see that I can still be a person with such passion for Christ.

Doesn't that make sense? We are a FAMILY. To BEAR one another's burdens. And I personally don't like to share my burdens when I feel like I'm the only one who has them, petty and "small" as they are. A lot of churches seem to be so "stuffy" and formal, that professionalism and the discouragement of expressing our feelings are all we can see from the outside looking in.

I am currently going to a church where I have TWICE now been discouraged in my walk with God, directly by the way two petty (wrong, but petty) outbursts of mine were dealt with. Yes, the reactions were done out of concern, but I don't feel that they were the right way to have been dealt with. Both issues I had forgotten about by the time they were brought up. This is a problem I have. It is something that will take some time to get past. It is so easy to post something or say something that shouldn't be said. I have trouble with that. I would rather not be kept from serving God while waiting for that day to come when I finally join the majority of people who have learned to sin in secret.

P.S. - I know I'm going to regret posting this...but I feel like it had to be said. I'm just worried that since it's so late tonight, I'll not say all that I wanted to and will not have explained myself well and have confused you all immensely. I apologize. These are just my scrambled thoughts.

"Where is Love?" Music Video

Where is Love?

First performance of my latest song, a church song, that doesn't really fit into hymn, praise, gospel, or any of those genres. It's more of a personal prayer. Performed by a group of all men: great singers from this year's Singing School at Abilene Christian University.

Rafiki's Wisdom

I didn't know what to title this one. It is basically everything I think people who care about me need to hear. Those who make it to the end of the video are probably the ones I want knowing all this anyway.


Blog Letter from Ryan Gonzales on Vimeo.

This Is It.

I renounce my faith. I no longer care for or believe in a God.

Do not bother trying to change my mind. I've come so close to this point many times before, but for one reason or another something happens or someone tells me something to bring me back. Not this time. I'm tired. My whole life, I've been fighting to hold onto something that I have felt no conviction for. I am not good at arguing for or against the existence of a God, so I can't give some clever answer to explain this change in me that will have people searching the Bible for answers. I just have lived my 20 years pretending, acting like I give two craps about something or someone that hasn't really done anything for me, no matter how much I have tried to live by the idea that it's about what I can do for him. I know all the arguments. Telling them to me again won't work. I just want to live MY life, and not have a bunch of people tell me how I ought to live it. Obviously it isn't working. People still seem to think that I'm this self-centered arrogant jerk, when I have strived to overcome any sort of attitude I may have that gives people that idea. It doesn't matter. People judge me that way, fine. I shouldn't care. But I do. Jesus doesn't come in and help me see some sort of truth that makes me feel better. I fail out of classes and almost fail out of college every semester. I don't see how any praying has helped me there. It's only through pleading and careful planning and through the grace of the institution and its teachers that I manage to barely stay in. But I have that reputation for being someone who doesn't work hard or care about music or learning about it or passing. YOU THINK I DON'T CARE? I want to become the best musician I can be! That's not arrogance, that's ambition, all you judgemental self-righteous people out there. I've been over this before. People give me these labels, and I do my best to prove them wrong. Prayer doesn't work. Reading the Bible and going to church doesn't work. I only feel like I'm somewhere I don't belong. I feel like my OC friends have rejected me and I am still trying to be a fellow Christian. Well now they have a reason to treat me like I don't exist. I have no life. I don't get invited to hang out, I don't get a "hey what's up?" text or facebook message. I hear my name called in a room, it's always someone else they're talking to. Even girls. They all seem to be repulsed by me, and all I've ever done is try to be nice. To be genuinely interested in others. So I'm not the most outgoing person. So I don't know how to have fun...I didn't have 18 years of social practice like everyone else has! People don't even try to bring me out of my shell. They just assume that because I'm talented and love to sing, and I can do it well, that I think that I'm too good to talk to them. On the contrary! I CRAVE to talk to people. I WANT to have fun with them! But I'm a failure when it comes to being with people. Even girls. I've been broken up with or rejected more times than I can take. I don't want to be alone, but alone is where I can see I'm going to be. I've got too many problems for them to handle. Thanks God. Thanks a lot. School, friends, girls...who I am and who I've been working to be is not taking me anywhere. So I'm giving up my religion. I never really had it, but I tried to. I can't take it anymore. I'm heartbroken, alone, and absolutely terrified of who I am becoming. Well, now everyone has a reason to ignore me and hate me. At least now it is one I can understand and come to terms with.

(For the very few of you who have been good friends to me, I'm sorry you have to read this. I really have enjoyed your friendships at least. They have been what has kept me going.)

Move Along

Well SO much has happened the last three weeks.

I finished the semester with all A's and one B. Good news there!

I went on chorale tour, where we traveled from OKC to New York, Washington DC, Nashville, and various smaller towns in between. I took MANY pictures, because there were many that were worth taking and remembering, and others that weren't. I got sick halfway through, but I was luckily only kept out of 3 performances. Several things were weird with the trip: about a third of the chorale including myself got sick with various ailments (bronchitis, strep throat, throat and nasal infections, the common cold...), the TVs on the bus didn't work the whole time, our driver decided that he wanted to spend an hour telling stories on the extremely loud PA system of his days in Hicksville, and the weirdest thing of all was that Sarah Duvall Locke wasn't on the trip to entertain us with her many GOOD stories of weird happenings in host family homes!

Also on chorale tour: my girlfriend and I broke up. I have mixed feelings about this. "A," I enjoy being single, free, able to look forward to the summer without worrying about being attached to anyone. I can flirt and look around. Yet "B," I love her. I keep checking her profile to see what she's up to, because I don't feel like I can move on if I keep in contact with her right now. I'm not sure I'd WANT to flirt and look around this summer because it wouldn't feel right. Anyway, I'm trying to move on with my life...

I have gotten everything taken care of for my job that can be taken care of right now. All I have left to do is go to re-certification classes this Saturday and Sunday, go to in-training on Monday, and then I can start work, and I've also got a manager meeting to attend early in June. I'll be managing a single pool that was recently acquired, and needed a manager. They offered me more money for me to do that, so of course I accepted! 

So I've got the rest of the week for down time. That means I'll be cleaning out my room here, unpacking into my freshly cleaned room, and looking for a class to take online from HCC. 

I finally got a desk set up where I can use my computer and spread out! I always had to sit in a chair before because the wifi here is confined to a single side of the house. So this afternoon, I moved the desk from my room to the game room upstairs. I set everything up, and its working out perfectly! Here's a picture of it all. Thanks for reading! Have a cookie. Go to Subway or somewhere and get a cookie. A little bit of sugar is always good for the soul. 

A Few More New Things

Well, I've got a few more things that have happened to me for the first time.

1. I went to a wedding shower. It was actually more fun than I ever expected! I got to model a toilet paper wedding dress! But seriously...what is it with everyone around me going and getting married?

2. I did helium on my birthday! I've finally got the video to show! Here is the link:
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1764137702093

3. And I got a buzz cut. Actually, I gave myself one. I started off this afternoon pulling at my long, annoying hair, as usual. I thought to myself, "I really don't want this hair in my tour pictures, but I don't have the money for a barber..." So then, I finally did what I was pondering for a few weeks now: cutting my hair myself.

So I grabbed my electric shaving razor and comb, and went at it in front of the mirror. Problem was, the razor was nowhere near powerful enough. So, having already committed to the task in my mind, I did the only other thing that made sense: I grabbed a pair of scissors.

I started on the sides. I wanted the side hair to be short. Problem was, I don't do well with scissors, and I got it TOO short.

So I kept going with it, trying to make the rest of my head match. It was awful.

Finally, my suitemate came back to the apartment, and offered to let me use his actual good razor, with the length attachments and everything. THANK YOU! I smoothed it all out, went for a full buzz cut, and ended up with this:

It's definitely different, and I have VERY mixed feelings about it. But I love change, so all in all, I'm happy with it. Its new, exciting (for now), and different.

Landmarks

It is an important time in my life right now! I've just recently hit my 20th birthday...a new decade in my life. I'm a few days away from being in a relationship for 6 months for the first time ever! I'm about to go to New York for the first time in my life during our 2 week chorale tour to New York and Washington D.C...I've also had 1,000 views on my blog since its creation last year. I have you, the viewers, to thank for this. So, thank you very much!

Yes, I am no longer a teenager. It feels about the same...but whatevs. I had a great birthday, and that's all that matters! See, the chorale sang "Happy Birthday," I didn't die that day (I didn't even sneeze!), I got cards from my family, and I had my first surprise party that evening (another landmark)! Yes, my girlfriend Becca cleverly organized a little get-together with some good friends of mine in the Lawson Pavilion. She bought a delicious chocolate cake and had cupcakes as well! She got me two presents: a semi-formal white shirt and a new wallet! We all chatted for 2 and a half hours, and I did helium for the first time as well (another landmark)! There's even a video of it. As soon as I get the video, I'll post it! There was some crazy fun at that party. It was awesome! No booze of course. That's going to be NEXT year! ;)

And I have Becca to thank for all of it! She's been the greatest girlfriend to me. And not just because she gets me stuff and does stuff for me. She's been there for me throughout these crazy last couple of semesters. She is completely honest with me. She really cares about how other people feel, almost to a fault! She loves to worry, but never worries if she worries to much, which worries me, because I worry if she worries too much, because worrying too much is a worrisome thing! Is the word "worry" starting to sound strange to you? No...she doesn't worry too much. It's just Becca being Becca. And I'm glad Becca is Becca, and not who she thinks I want her to be, or who she thinks her parents or friends want her to be. What you see is what you get. She's pretty awesome that way. Self-confident, but completely caring about others. I was lucky enough to be given an angel...which means I better step it up! Six months together on the 30th (it went by so fast!): the best 6 months of my life.

Our T-shirt design, by Tim Giddens

It's finally happening! A week from now, I'll be on a bus heading towards Nashville (first time to be there, as well!), sitting next to Becca, probably playing cards, or watching a movie, or sleeping, or having some sort of religious debate with the people around me, or having some sort of debate on how to best help those in Japan, or (most likely) debating what movie to watch next! Tour is going to be great. For the first time since I've been here, we've actually got all of our songs memorized (except for the guys' song, but even that one is really close). Our concert two nights ago went pretty well, I thought. We got through it, and people enjoyed it. That's what I call a successful performance. I had no voice going into the concert, so I lip synced. That way, I would have time to recover between the songs when I really had to sing (aka solos!). So anyway, New York better watch out because the OC Chorale is going to blow your minds!

Also in New York is going to be another landmark for me besides the Statue of Liberty: I'm going to finally see Phantom of the Opera live! Yeah...that's about all the explanation that needs...

And of course, my blog finally hit 1,000 views after all this time. I know that's nothing special but...I like numbers...so...yeah. Just keep reading and leaving comments and stuff. Writing stuff down is therapeutic for me, but I am also better at communicating this way. I'm not much of a talker (unless I'm crazy on sugar or something).

So until next time, when I'll probably have lots of pictures of tour to post, this is me saying bye: BYE!

I'm a Flickering Flame

Hello everyone. So much has happened...

Rather than explain why everything has happened, I'm simply going to tell you WHAT has happened.

I am down to 6 hours for this semester. Good news is...I'm finally passing all 6 hours. I need a semester GPA of 2.8 to get back half of my major scholarship again. Unless I got all A's in my classes that I was taking this semester, I would have had to appeal my scholarship anyway.

I had to drop Music History again. Duh. I had to drop some other classes that otherwise would have been gimme A's because of all the trouble I was having with Music History. I had to drop enough classes to give me a final total of 6.

I calculated my GPA and it turns out, those 6 hours of A's would get my GPA halfway back to where it needs to be. 2.6 to 2.7.

But what was I to do about Music History? Well, I decided to take it elsewhere during the summer. Trouble is, it's not offered during the summer. My plan? Take it during the school year online. There's lots of options for that. Maybe a different learning environment and style will be good for me. I'd have rather taken it during the summer so I could focus myself on it with no other classes getting in the way, but since it's not offered during the summer, and I can't seem to pass it here, and I have to have it for my major, it seems that I don't have a choice.

I'm working as a lifeguard over the summer as an MOD (manager on duty), which means I get better pay for working where I want, when I want. So that money will all go to school and help out with what my scholarship would have been paying for.

Still no car...

It didn't end up working out so that my planned roommate and I could stay in the same apartment. Oh well. I registered with someone who I don't know AGAIN...I really wish I could have one of those years when I look forward to my roommates and not have to go potluck. I bet it's a special feeling to feel like someone WANTS you to room with them.

It's been another tough semester. And this time I wasn't in any shows to help keep my spirits up...thank goodness that I have my girlfriend. Most of the time, I feel like she's all I care about anymore.

Scheduled to see a psychologist soon. Don't know specifically what for...probably everything...poor guy.

Looking forward to tour. Posts on tour to come soon.

After all the hours of extra studying...

Lots of Planning

Oh what a fun spring break I had!

Went home, chilled, worked on orchestrating a song for a good friend, Tommy Winberry, chilled some more, did some homework and studied for another Music History test, chilled as much as I possibly could, went to Galveston with Becca and her family when they came to town, went to Becca's house, chilled with renewed vigor, ate delicious homemade cookies and chicken spaghetti, and then fought traffic for 6 hours to get back to campus.

I also got to go golfing for the first time while in Becca's hometown. She and her mother went to a shower, so her dad and I went for 9 holes at a local course. I got sunburned, but it was totally worth it. My hands are sore, but after doing 3 or 4 practice swings for every one of my actual strokes, I think it is to be expected. Final score can be seen here...

All in all, I'd say it was a very successful first "vacation" spring break. Since I came to OC, I went to San Antonio on a mission trip, then went on chorale tour the second year. This year, I had no plans. Thus, my return to Texas for break.

While on break, I also needed to search for a job for the summer. Last summer, I was only home for a month before I headed up to Wyoming to be a camp counselor. Coming back this summer is going to be difficult after that, but I really can't afford to get an apartment just so I can stay away. I need every penny I can earn to pay for what my scholarship isn't paying for at school. I looked for camp openings, but I've been there, done that, and it really isn't my thing. Then I started applying for places down in Katy, TX, to go through all that stuff...like music stores, movie theaters, waiter jobs...

Boring, boring, boring...

Nothing appealed to me other than the music store, but the manager was not very encouraging about having openings in the summer.

Then I had an epiphany. I've worked for Greater Houston Pool Management for two summers as a lifeguard, pool manager, and swim lesson instructor. It was pretty much a sure thing! Why not just save all this unneeded hassle and just get a summer job with a company that I've established myself at, for higher starting pay, and with a better position? I finished as a pool manager two summers ago! Sure enough, after sending in my online application, they called me and offered me an MOD (Manager On Duty) position. Basically, that means that I will be not assigned to any one pool, but a roaming manager. If I remember correctly, I will work shifts at an area of pools, and be the one in charge while I'm there, even while the pool manager is there. How fun is that?

Not really that exciting, actually. It's nothing special. BUT IT'S A JOB. And it will be one that has a change of scenery all the time. I like it. Plus I get a tan.

So my summer job situation has been taken care of. I wanted to audition for things, but I had to be here at school, while auditions were being held in other states. Plus, again, there's the living situation.

Will I be any richer after this summer? No. All of the money will go to my tuition. But hey. It will be worth it if I can come back to OC! I can smell the finish line! I looked over my degree audit while registering for the fall classes, and I saw a lot of green "Complete" signs over a lot of classes that I need. I'm almost there...

Speaking of registering for classes, I have my schedule all but finalized for the fall.

Chorale
Chamber Singers
Voice Lesson (in a new studio)
Acting I
Music History III
History of Theater (I?)
Movement and Stage Choreography
Diction II: German and French
Intro to Play Production

So I am switching voice studios to a new voice teacher who has already agreed to let me on. No bad reasons, its just that sometimes you need to switch for personal reasons.

Also, I'll be retaking 2 classes (3 credits) that I failed in the past. That should help my GPA a bit too.

I also have living plans set for next year. I'm rooming with a bass from chorale, nice guy, and I am hoping to get my own room this time. I'll be just short of a senior in hours at the start of next fall.

So rooming, summer job, classes have all been planned. Now I just need to find the money for the fall, and to find a job for the fall that will help me along.

Oh, and to find out where I can take music history outside of OC, because I cannot see me passing, even under these best of circumstances when I have no responsibilities but classes. So a summer class or two will also need to be found.

Yep. Lots of planning.

Summer Job

Well, I'm at that time of the semester when I am looking for a summer job. I need money to pay for school now more than ever, and I need a job that I can get right to work doing as soon as chorale tour is over.

Ideas in my head...

I really want to do something with music. I can perform in shows somewhere at night if I can get to auditions and get on the cast. I can work at a music store. I can teach private lessons if someone wants them just for the summer.

I could go with camps...maybe a music camp? I wish...I'm having a hard time finding such a thing. Especially for a vocalist and that isn't a "band" camp. Maybe just a regular church camp. Eh...last summer didn't work out so well, and I need something a little more reliable, and that might suit me better.

I could do lifeguarding again. It is probably too late to be a manager again, but it is better than nothing.

I could do food...it is DEFINITELY not my thing, but it is better than nothing. I haven't yet tried being a waiter, and I think that could be interesting. Fast food would be my last choice.

I've never worked in a store before. But I can't think of any store that suits me besides a music store or maybe a technology store like the Apple store or Best Buy.

I feel like a high schooler just looking for some money...I've almost completed my third year of college, and I can't think of anything that would give me good wages that has to do with music. Is this what it is going to be like after I graduate?

Maybe I'm not thinking hard enough. I need ideas. Maybe someone knows someone who would be willing to hire me for the summer. Maybe someone knows of a job opening that would be perfect for me. If it is away from Houston, I'd need housing, though.

I spent last summer away from home. It's going to be hard going back.

Bible students are getting internships all over the place. Am I in the right major?

What's going to happen this summer?

Needs a Title

Here is my latest song...I was sick and stuck in my apartment today, yet the juices were flowing in my brain, so I started writing and this is what I've got! I am bad at titles...I'll take suggestions, if you please! What does it make you think of?

What I SHOULD Do

My last post was a long rant about all the things that I have been keeping suppressed inside me for 3 years. And that's all it was. A rant. I just had to let it out so that I could begin to see clearly again. And I am seeing clearly again.

Everything I said in my last post is something that I have legitimately been feeling. But its the bad half. The good feelings have been kept out because the bad ones have been clouding my judgment for so long. I needed to expose myself...and release all of my weakest, childish emotions so that I can start acting like an adult and taking responsibility.

I have seen that over just the last 24 hours, 60 people have read my blog, but I only had one response. And thank God for that response. Nikki sorta slapped me in the face in a long reply, basically telling me to quit wallowing in self-pity, start trusting God, and get to work.

Well, Nikki, you're right. I do need to stop wallowing, start trusting, and get busy. It really is simple, easy advice, but sometimes the only time real progress can be made is if you rip out all the stuff that is in the way of progress, just like the only way the Holy Spirit can enter your heart is after you clear yourself of sins in baptism. I think that is what needed to be done in my case. Yes, I've complained before. I complain a lot. But I never truly explained what was on my heart. People ask, "how are you doing?" but they don't really care. Honestly. How many of you who read the last post started mentally rebuking me? How many of you would have wanted me to say all that in response to a friendly "How are you?" Not very many, I can guess.

So anyway, I know what I did and said was childish and immature. I recognize that I have a lot of growing up to do. A LOT. I do need to stop looking at the past and start looking to the future. And I need to start looking to the future with hope-filled glasses, not terror-filled glasses.

I guess part of my problem is that I feel like many of my friends at OC have abandoned me. My fault, no doubt. I used to hang out with lots of great people, but they hardly look my way anymore. It hurts every day to see them but to realize that they don't really want to talk to me. But thanks to Nikki and a few others who really care, I realize that there are still a few who are willing to stick by me through times like this when I've been going through some personal issues.

I guess the point of me writing is to let everyone know that I'm really trying to make some progress in my grades AND maturity. I'm working on my pride and depression. I really do miss my friends, though. Those who don't consider themselves my friends can say and think whatever they want about me, but to those of you who do care, I'd really appreciate the opportunity to talk, hang out, and have fun. I miss doing that.

And meanwhile, I am definitely going to try my hardest to keep up with my grades and everything else that I need to improve on. I have my moments of weakness. Lots of them. Now let's see how much strength I've got.

Tell Me What To Do

I HATE MONEY.

I HATE MONEY.

I HATE THAT THE WORLD RUNS ON MONEY.

I HATE THAT IN ORDER TO DO THINGS TO MAKE MORE MONEY YOU HAVE TO SPEND LOTS OF MONEY.

Seriously. The economy is messed up...more than it has been in forever...and right now, all my energy is devoted to succeeding in an institution that was founded to give me a piece of paper that says that I deserve to make more money. Thus America goes. "If you don't have a college degree, you're a failure," people try to make you believe. If you don't have a college degree, it's only because you are lazy, a bad person who spends their study time partying, or just plain stupid. Or because you're too poor to afford a good college education. Lots of people make the bucks just by convincing you that you need their help to afford college.

A university education is an important and usually profitable investment. I don't deny that. And where else will one learn the proper techniques of conducting or history or theory of music? Books and videos could probably do the trick, but only teachers can sign that all-important document that confirms that you have actually learned what you set out to learn. Signatures and legal documents. Ugh.

If not college, then what else is one to do with their life other than work at McDonalds? I wish I knew. Believe me. I don't know what to do if I am unable to return to school except to let luck lead me. And I have spent most of my semesters here at OC in terror of failing out. Well, not necessarily FAILING out. If it was just a matter of academic standing, I'd be totally in the clear. Unfortunately, I need lots of money to stay, and the requirement for keeping a large scholarship is a really good GPA. I have never had a GPA over 3.0 since I've been here. There are so many reasons I could point to that could explain why this is, but in the end, it always comes down to MYSELF.

Ok, my projection of this blog post as I envision it in my head is starting to worry me, because I see myself having to reveal weakness in me. Nevertheless, I feel like I must continue.

As I was saying, there is nothing to blame but myself for the constant threat of having to withdraw from school because of money. Funny thing...I was checking my projected GPA for this semester, and in order to get it up to where it needs to be to keep my big scholarship, I'd need to get all A's. No biggie. So what if I am taking a music history class by Dr. Harold Fletcher? So what if I have NEVER in my life EVER been a STRAIGHT A STUDENT? That's what they expect. Other people can do it. Why not me? Sure, I can take the semester off from shows and try to focus on my grades. Midterms come around and what do I have? I am FAILING 2 classes. At least. They're not all in yet.

"Oh, you've got so much talent and potential. You'd be fine if you'd only apply yourself. You apply yourself at the things you like but not the things that you don't like."

I have heard this SO many times! Has it ever crossed their minds that maybe I do my best to apply myself to everything? And that maybe the things I like are the things that I like because I can actually succeed at them? Thus, Success = THINGS THAT I LIKE, and Failure = THINGS THAT I DON'T LIKE BECAUSE I AM A FAILURE AT THEM.

Do people think that I ENJOY failing classes? Do people think that I am so caught up in myself that I don't think that I need to try? Do people think that I am so conceited that I expect everything to just work out for me? I know better than that. I am in my sixth semester. Third time's the charm, right? Ok, let's say that the fourth time is the charm. No? Fifth time. Hmm. SIXTH time. Let's just keep trying. Keep lying to myself and make myself think that I can find a way out. Only one semester ever at OC have I not outright FAILED a class.

Even now, I am trying to console a person close to me because they have an F at midterms. They are failing a class that they have spent so much time working at. I got an A in the same class with the same teacher, book, assignments...yet now when I check over the worksheets, I feel like I am failing all over again, because grades are coming back at 45%, 22%, 17%...

What does it mean? First of all, I take it to mean that a grade means nothing. I got an A, but now I guess that even though it doesn't feel like it to me, I have forgotten almost everything. Second, it does make me feel a bit better to know that I am not the only one who is failing at things that we are doing our best to pass. Screw the GPA. My friend and I just want to PASS!

I was homeschooled. I hate to say this, but I believe that is at least 50 percent of the problem, and that is being nice. When I was homeschooled, I had very little responsibility. My parents were the kind you would call "overprotective" (the politician in my keeps me from expressing my own opinions). I was kept at arm's length at all times. Being at home all the time, there was almost no opportunity to truly learn personal responsibility while growing up. It's not that hard to express in theory, but everyone will admit that it is difficult to practice in real life, especially in a busy, technologically-driven society.

Today, for a normal person who grew up having to go to a normal school and develop normal social habits, it is difficult to practice good study habits and to be responsible. For a homeschooler, life becomes even more difficult. For me, who fought and hated being confined at home all the time, I couldn't learn (or refused to learn) time-management, good study habits, or a sense of responsibility.

Then I was thrown into college to pursue one of the top 2 hardest degrees at Oklahoma Christian University (next to nursing). I wasn't just expected to pass. I was expected to pass with an excellent GPA. If I have any worse than a B, people back home scold me...and what is the thing I hear most when getting in trouble for getting C's, D's, and F's?

"You're wasting our money! Get a job and pay to fail school on your own!"

"No, you can't buy a car. You need to pay for your schooling. You need to bring up your GPA."

"Why can't you pay for your cell phone, driver's insurance, and other things like your brother does? He has a job and does his schoolwork!"

Well I'M SORRY if I'm not as good a child as he is! I'm sorry if I didn't have my OWN older brother to look up to and learn what not to do! I'm SORRY if you value success monetarily, thus I'm not successful in your eyes! I'm SORRY that I never became a people person, thus I couldn't become Chick-Fil-A's favorite guy dressed in a cow costume! I know what has been said to my younger siblings while I've been away! "Don't turn out like Ryan. Don't do what Ryan does." WHAT do I do, exactly? Am I an investment to you? An investment that was unable to turn a profit? Because that's what I feel like. And I'm SORRY if that doesn't make me want to work harder for you.

For YOU? Who's future is at stake here?

This has gone on for way too long. I really need to wrap up, so I will. I love to learn what I am learning. Music history is, by far, one of the most fascinating things about music I have ever encountered. But alas, I don't think I'm cut out to finish my education here. If I do, then it will be a miracle. Literally. Because I do not have it in me to succeed academically. That's where God is supposed to come in. Well, he can answer my prayers any time now. Any time. Because I'd like to develop myself as a person, as a boyfriend, and as a Christian while I can, without spending every sweat-filled minute of my collegiate career focusing on staying as far away from an F as possible.

A Beautiful Girl

So...Valentine's Day...

As a man in a relationship, the first Valentine's Day with a certain girl can make you work. Especially if your girlfriend deserves more than you feel you can give her!

Becca and I have been dating for 3 months and 15 days now. That is the second longest relationship I have ever been in, but it feels different from all the others. 

I probably sound cliché saying that, but I'm just being perfectly honest. It FEELS different from all my other relationships. Why? I do not know. Maybe because our personalities mesh so well. We certainly are both "divas!" Maybe because she is able to forgive my many faults so often. Maybe because it was just "meant to be"?...

There I go, sounding cliché again. 

I love my girlfriend. That I know for sure. She has so many quirks that make me giggle! For example, she has this ADDICTION to sweet tea/Dr. Pepper. Sweet tea from Chicken Express (or McDonalds if there is no CE around), and she must have it every day, it seems! I keep telling her she can save 365 dollars per year if she stopped going to buy sweet tea every day, but to no avail. 

Anyway, Valentine's Day became a big worry for me, because I have literally NO money...and she kept on telling me that she ALWAYS gets flowers for Valentine's Day. 

...

I guess I go and pick some by the freeway?

...

After a couple of SNOW STORMS?

...

And she kept dropping flower hints.

So I racked my brain for clever first-Valentine's-Day ideas that involved no money and no flowers...I guess I could write her a song again...but that was too predictable! And it goes to show that I have no imagination, either. There's some irony for you. Writing a song shows that you have no imagination.

Finally, a few days before the most important day of the year, I was told by someone wise (Lavon Wheeler) to go online to get ideas! 

Well, DUH! Why didn't I do that before? And then I got the idea to MAKE roses. Wonderful! Origami roses will not ever die! I can use colored paper, put a stick in the bottom for a stem, and voilá! She gets her Valentine's Day roses.

I used those roses as a springboard to make her a card. I took a picture of them, put it on the cover of the card, and wrote a poem on the inside of the card about roses on Valentine's Day. The whole thing took a while, and I made sure she understood that her present was keeping me up till 4 in the morning as I worked on it (completely true...). I told her that she needed to stay off of my computer (where I had her card and poem saved). She was soon convinced that I had written her another song! Heehee... :)

She was expecting a song. I gave her a card. I pointed out the roses on the cover. She thought that the picture on the front WAS her flowers! Then I pulled out the bouquet of three paper origami roses and presented them to her. She was baffled (I think!). 

I feel like this was a successful Valentine's Day for me. I know there are a lot of haters out there, but I personally like taking a day to do something extra special for my girl, and for her to do the same for me. I loved her personalized coupon book, card, and the huge box of Hershey's Kisses in milk chocolate and Cookies and Cream (my favorite ice cream flavor)!

I love holidays. Take away Valentine's Day, Christmas, Thanksgiving, or Martin Luthor King, Jr.'s birthday, and where does that leave you? 

A Muslim.

Becca is a beautiful girl who deserves the best. This Valentine's Day, I believe that I gave her my best. :)

Her Roses.

Darling, you have taken my heart for a ride

Down country lanes of love

In the warm summer sunshine

And on our journey through

Through this particularly fine day

I stop and pick three roses to present to you

A Valentine Bouquet

Darling, each rose is a special part of you

The first one, a sketch of your face

So beautiful

I wish I found a rose

That could truly play

Your Sistine-perfect face, and add it to

Your Valentine Bouquet

Darling, the second rose grew not by earth and sun

It heard you singing in the fields

And, like mine, its heart you won

It grew to the sound of your song

Each and every day

It grew inside my heart, and now it’s part

Of your Valentine Bouquet

Darling, this final rose is most beautiful of all

It is your heart; your deepest love for others

Who mean all the world to you

Nothing is more lovely than a girl

Who loves that way

And with roses three, I give love back to thee

With this Valentine Bouquet

Epicness

Movie music.

EPIC movie music.

Most of my iTunes library is made up of soundtracks for movies and musicals.

48% of my library is under "Soundtrack"
19.6% of my library is under "Broadway"
8.7% of my library is under "Classical"
5.2% of my library is under "Gospel and Religious"

The above genres each have at least 100 songs. The other 18.5% is made up of all the rest of the genres of music...each with less than 100...Alternative, Celtic, Choral, Country, Holiday, Instrumental, Jazz, Karaoke, Opera, Original, Pop, R&B, Rap, Rock, Vocal, and World.

I have a total of 2,477 songs in my iTunes library.

Why so many soundtracks? With nearly 1200 songs, it is obvious that soundtracks are my favorite thing to listen to. I don't really know why I like them so much. The soundtracks that REALLY keep me coming back are the ones that I like to describe as "epic." Funnily, these are also my favorite types of movies. I like things on an epic scale, whether it is Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Avatar, Indiana Jones, Transformers, Inception, Star Trek, etc. Interestingly enough, there are many people who would place these movies in their favorite movie list as well. Why? EPIC.

The music sets the mood for the movie or show. A little light piano solo with a soft string ensemble is so very romantic (The Notebook), while a powerful horn section backed by rhythmic strings and a tech beat lets you know that something awesome is in store (Transformers).

It is these kinds of soundtracks that inspire me to write music. So when I listen to these scores, I always listen with a musician's ear. I am always looking for what instruments are used, which ones on the melody create what kind of mood, how are the harmonies filled out, and one of my favorite things to listen for: how are the themes used, reused, and mixed with other themes (Pirates of the Caribbean 3 is a great example of Hans Zimmer and his exposition of melodies, their development, variations, melodic mixture)?

As I acquire new soundtracks, I always attempt to recreate the style of music that is presented. Before the new millennium, the popular soundtrack music was the kind of music John Williams did. His orchestral scores usually featured trumpets and other brass instruments and the string section of the orchestra. Over the last decade, epic movie music has become very electronic, and fewer melodies, with chord changes on a synthesized beat sometimes being the most interesting part to listen to. Hans Zimmer has been probably the most influential composer to bring this change about. His most famous early works in the 1990's and even early 2000's were movies like The Lion King, Prince of Egypt, Muppet Treasure Island, Gladiator, Pearl Harbor, and Pirates of the Caribbean. In the last 5 years or so, his most epic movie music has been Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, Angels and Demons, and Inception. Very electronic. Very rhythmic. Very driving. He has been involved with almost every epic blockbuster movie in the last decade.

So a few days ago, thanks to my music electronics class, I have really begun to use GarageBand sounds to work on mixing orchestra music with electronic sounds to come up with something that is in the very style of modern epic scores. Posted below is what I came up with. My own melodies, but the background beats and bass ostenato is very traditional (of the last decade). You can hear influences of the music of Transformers, Tron, The Dark Knight, Inception, etc. As I have been working on honing my composition skills based on movie music influence, I am learning new stuff as the styles evolve. Not to say this is all that is out there. NO. This is a single genre in the genre of movie music that I love to listen to. Take Avatar, How to Train Your Dragon, Up, etc!

So enjoy listening to this piece. It starts out super soft and slowly crescendos through the first minute and a half. I have no official title for it yet, as it is very "traditional epic." Thus I simply call it "Epicness."

Comments, critiques, etc. are all welcome on my first serious attempt at mixing orchestral and electronic sounds!

Back with a Vengance

Well it has been many many months since I last posted, so I am have cleaned up my blog here and I am starting anew!

As you can see, the title of this blog has been changed to "Note Perfect." I really am bad at titles, so Becca (my wonderful girlfriend) suggested this one to me. I have a passion for music and the performing arts, and since my last post at the beginning of the fall semester, I was in 4 shows between then and Christmas. I was always rehearsing for something during the evening. I loved it! But due to all the distractions and stuff that came with being in so much, combined with my awful study habits, I have been placed on financial suspension. I lost my major academic scholarship, but after sending a letter of appeal to the financial aid office, they granted me half of it for this spring semester with the faith that I will bring my GPA up. So here I am, back at OC thanks to that letter of appeal and a few other small, fortunate happenings.

But after being cast in both the cabaret and the opera again this year, the music faculty and I thought it would be in my best interests if I didn't do any shows this spring. So while the theme of this blog IS primarily music and theater, I will have to put off all that sort of exciting news for when I am back on the stage!

Until then, I will simply blog about the other exciting things that happen in my life!

This semester is barely a week over, and the Christian College Choral Festival has already come and gone! Basically, a bunch of Christian college and university choirs got together at OC this last weekend to sing some songs for each other and then together under the direction of a very special guest conductor! Follow this link to my official OC music and theater blog to learn more! www.oc.edu/backstagepass