I renounce my faith. I no longer care for or believe in a God.
Do not bother trying to change my mind. I've come so close to this point many times before, but for one reason or another something happens or someone tells me something to bring me back. Not this time. I'm tired. My whole life, I've been fighting to hold onto something that I have felt no conviction for. I am not good at arguing for or against the existence of a God, so I can't give some clever answer to explain this change in me that will have people searching the Bible for answers. I just have lived my 20 years pretending, acting like I give two craps about something or someone that hasn't really done anything for me, no matter how much I have tried to live by the idea that it's about what I can do for him. I know all the arguments. Telling them to me again won't work. I just want to live MY life, and not have a bunch of people tell me how I ought to live it. Obviously it isn't working. People still seem to think that I'm this self-centered arrogant jerk, when I have strived to overcome any sort of attitude I may have that gives people that idea. It doesn't matter. People judge me that way, fine. I shouldn't care. But I do. Jesus doesn't come in and help me see some sort of truth that makes me feel better. I fail out of classes and almost fail out of college every semester. I don't see how any praying has helped me there. It's only through pleading and careful planning and through the grace of the institution and its teachers that I manage to barely stay in. But I have that reputation for being someone who doesn't work hard or care about music or learning about it or passing. YOU THINK I DON'T CARE? I want to become the best musician I can be! That's not arrogance, that's ambition, all you judgemental self-righteous people out there. I've been over this before. People give me these labels, and I do my best to prove them wrong. Prayer doesn't work. Reading the Bible and going to church doesn't work. I only feel like I'm somewhere I don't belong. I feel like my OC friends have rejected me and I am still trying to be a fellow Christian. Well now they have a reason to treat me like I don't exist. I have no life. I don't get invited to hang out, I don't get a "hey what's up?" text or facebook message. I hear my name called in a room, it's always someone else they're talking to. Even girls. They all seem to be repulsed by me, and all I've ever done is try to be nice. To be genuinely interested in others. So I'm not the most outgoing person. So I don't know how to have fun...I didn't have 18 years of social practice like everyone else has! People don't even try to bring me out of my shell. They just assume that because I'm talented and love to sing, and I can do it well, that I think that I'm too good to talk to them. On the contrary! I CRAVE to talk to people. I WANT to have fun with them! But I'm a failure when it comes to being with people. Even girls. I've been broken up with or rejected more times than I can take. I don't want to be alone, but alone is where I can see I'm going to be. I've got too many problems for them to handle. Thanks God. Thanks a lot. School, friends, girls...who I am and who I've been working to be is not taking me anywhere. So I'm giving up my religion. I never really had it, but I tried to. I can't take it anymore. I'm heartbroken, alone, and absolutely terrified of who I am becoming. Well, now everyone has a reason to ignore me and hate me. At least now it is one I can understand and come to terms with.
(For the very few of you who have been good friends to me, I'm sorry you have to read this. I really have enjoyed your friendships at least. They have been what has kept me going.)
Wow. Ryan, thank you for your raw honesty. Giving up religion is actually the first step in finding who Jesus really is. Take your journey, work out your stuff, and know that no matter what you do or don't do God fiercely loves you in the midst of it. Also, please know that I love you bro and am here if you ever need someone to talk to. Call me anytime...4055701960. Alos, Don't be so hard on yourself...you're a pretty cool dude. :)
ReplyDeleteHey man, one of my friends commented on this on Facebook. I don't know you, but would like to hear more about what you have to say. Are you really venturing away from god from lack of belief. Are you an atheist(I am by the way.)? It sounds like you could potentially need a crutch at the moment and god does not fill voids, he fills the need for a crutch. Not all use God as a crutch, but the concept of a god becomes a something to lean on. Focus on stability in your life. Don't worry so much about girls, they come, they go, they are incredibly frustrating at times. Focus completely on self improvement for a while, come back to the other situations that are bothering you. I hope this helps, and I apologize if it's too vague. Reply to this if you need someone to talk to.
ReplyDeleteThis is written by someone who's known you most of your life. Your first problem was going to a Christian school. I'm a Christian myself but all I see happening in those schools is the creation of one small-minded person after another. It's hard to open up and get out of your comfort zone in a school like that. If I were you I would transfer to a larger institution, but that's just me. I'm still in college, about to be a senior, and I can tell you that my first year was horrible, until I got involved in organizations on campus that weren't church-related, where I could grow as a person and connect with others who aren't like me, and learn to appreciate that.
ReplyDeleteYour next fault is vanity. This quote of yours sums up your problem, "They just assume that because I'm talented and love to sing, and I can do it well"...you need to not be so impressed with yourself. Be humble, and let others think what they want about you. The fact that you THINK and DECLARE that you're "talented" and "can sing", makes people think you're a douche. There's a saying, "A bore is someone who opens his mouth and puts his FEATS in it." -Henry Ford. If you want to get better at socializing and being good with girls, follow Henry's advice and don't talk about yourself and what you're good at, talk with others about themselves and what they do and only talk about yourself when they ask, and even then, be humble.
As far as getting girls goes, that's easy, you don't try too hard. I'll give you the step-by-step. STEP 1: You find a girl you like, a new one that you don't have too much history with. STEP 2: You find ways to hang out with her in a group setting (ex: group study sesh at a library, class, whatever) STEP 3: You be yourself in those group settings. The big secret to getting a girl who's into you is not forcing it, you hang out around her enough, and she'll realize what type of person you are, and if she's into you, it will become apparent, and if not, don't worry for more than 3 seconds because guess what, there's MILLIONS of girls in the country, and you're only trying in one teeny tiny part of that. Realize that being single is legit, and you can check out girls and hit on them as much as you want until you finally land a good one that sticks around.
Next subject, religion. Honestly I think a lot of people wrestle with this nowadays. I find myself even wondering some times. But your view is almost like GOD owes you something, which is infantile. GOD doesn't owe you anything. Going to church isn't supposed to "work", reading the bible isn't supposed to "work", praying doesn't just magically make things better... it's on you to get things right in your life. It's on GOD to deal with you afterwards. You do those things to praise GOD for even considering you worth his time, seeing as he didn't even have to create you in the first place. And remember that he did create you, and now you're living your life moping because this and that. And whether you believe in GOD or don't, a life lived pitying yourself isn't worth living. Change your attitude, squeeze everything out of life you can. And finally, I'll tell you something that keeps me believing...it sounds dumb but seriously it makes me stay faithful. Every time I'm questioning everything, I think to myself that GOD has to be real, because no one would chop off the tip of their or their baby's penis' on their own and institute it as mandatory. But that's just me.
Anyway, this isn't meant to be attacking in nature, just revealing. Life isn't hard, you only have one task, and that's to figure yourself out and roll with it. Some people will be okay with it, and others won't, stick with those who dig it and you'll end up okay.
Ryan,
ReplyDeleteYou are in a position so many people have found themselves and nothing I can say will change that. Regardless of your feelings, God is there for you; He has blessed you (voice, talent, ambition, family, etc.) although Satan may try to make you believe otherwise.
I will pray that you one day see that a relationship with him is better than being without Him. He is waiting, patiently, and will welcome you back.
Although you may find something you think you're looking for in this decision, i hope you also find that there is an emptiness that only God can fill. Don't ever believe you're too far from Him to return.
i hope it is soon.
Still your brother, Tony Kite.
I love you Ryan, and I'm so sorry you feel ignored. Unfortunately people these days get so caught up in their daily routines that they forget to look up and say hello. I admit that I've watched you grow and be so successful that it seemed you were on top of the world. Sometimes that makes it a little intimidating for someone to approach you. They may feel you wouldn't be interested in socializing with them.
ReplyDeleteAs for your faith, please don't give up. God believes in you and has a plan even if you don't believe it. Remember the history of some of the most famous christian songwriters. I know you know the Bible and I know you can agree that it is better to believe and it turn out not to be true, than to not believe and it turn out to be true. God has brought you here for a reason and will bring you through it. Remember Job.
Love you brother,
Kristy Spikes
not going to try and soften the blow, your pathetic. this may be just me but after reading that all i see is that you want attention, i have been in your position myself many times and ive known what its like to be a reject but that's when i turn to god, to the church...not when i denounce them. all i can say is that your pathetic.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteHey this is Shelby Harrison. (We met at Roundhouse when we were like 8 I think.) I know where you are right now because I'm almost in the same place. I'm still deciding how things will end for me but I know this- there are people who care about me, and the same goes for you. I know we never talk, partly because we haven't seen each other in so long, but I do care about you as an old friend.
ReplyDeleteI'm also a music major- about to start my Bachelor's at a University. So I can empathize with that part of what you're feeling too. It's not easy for me to make friends, and I've been accused of being to uptight before as well.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I understand where you're at, and I would not try to convince you otherwise because it's a very personal decision you have made- and if you change your mind in future, that's personal as well and I would not try to influence such. I am a friend you can talk to anytime, and I remain a Christian but not the type to force my faith (or lack thereof) on anyone. You can FB or call me anytime, if you wish. 9362403525.
Anonymous who wrote the 5 paragraphs just about summed up everything perfectly into a little package :)
ReplyDeleteYour statements appear entirely self centered. Every sentence centers around the "I." You seem to feel you should be valued for your singing and though your voice is fine, everyone sings and God gives us all talents. Each is of equal value. You appear to be so full of your self that you disregard the talent of others and feel entitled to use their talent to further your own.
ReplyDeleteEven the extremely talented are successful, not as a result of their talent, but as a result of the love they project, not just in their songs, but in their lives. You can sing the most beautiful song ever sung, but what will be remembered is the way you treat others.
In any case the value of a talent is miniscule in comparison with the value of love which is probably at the root of your search. You appear to be seeking attention which you confuse with love and then blame God that you do not receive either. God is Love and love is greater than attention. However, it is not something you receive, it is something you give.
You appear to expect God to serve you. When He doesn't fulfill your expectations, you seem to be striking out by abandoning Him. But God is a big God. He has billions of children. He doesn't need you, you need Him. And he is always there.
He asks only that you believe in His love and that you love Him because he knows it will give you pleasure. When you give up the idea of controling God and become His servant, you will experience the true power of love.
You seem to believe you can earn God's favor with your talent and prayer, but God is not that easily controlled. He wants only your love and your faith. God is not a catalog from which you purchase and receive your order. It is God's love for you, that prevents him from being bought or controlled.
To put God's love in action, we must share it. Some say love exists within the individual heart, but others say it exists in the space between individuals as they love each other. If you reach out to others in love with no expectation of return, you will know the joy, not of mere attention, but of love.