The Beast and I

When we heard that this year's musical was going to be Beauty and the Beast, I was just as excited as everyone else. They warned us that this musical was groundbreaking for Oklahoma Christian University. They warned us that people expected a lot from this production, and that the school had sunk a LOT of money into it. 

Which is why I was as skeptical as everyone else when they posted the cast list, putting "Ryan Gonzales" next to "the Beast."

Yes, it was the part I wanted the most. Yes, I was dancing inside when I saw my name. But when the excitement died down, all the pressure sprang up. I've never been a strong actor. Why did they put me in this role? There is only one real song that the Beast sings, so I can't imagine that having much influence on it. I didn't have a very good reputation among my university peers after things that I'd said and done. People didn't want to be around me. I have spent the last year and a half feeling cut off from people, shutting myself away in my room when I had nothing to do, which was often. Even cast members who I would be working very closely with had negative feelings towards me. This was what worried me the most. I wanted more than anything for my fellow cast to enjoy doing this show, and I didn't want to cause them to not enjoy themselves because they had to work with me. I knew this to be true last year, and I wanted nothing more than to begin work on this show with a clean slate.

So I swallowed my fear and made myself confront those who I had been avoiding for more than a year, and apologized for my past immaturity. It needed to be done anyway. I had hopes of rekindling the close friendships that we had had, but that was wishful thinking. Some bonds cannot be retied to the same strength after being severed. But at least we managed to find a good, professional friendship after that. When that was accomplished, I was able to focus on developing my character as the Beast. 

Now came a whole new challenge. Going back to what I was saying before...I was never a strong actor. I did decently in past shows, but I never really delivered a strong performance. The Beast, first of all, is supposed to be a pretty big person/animal physically. I'm not that! There is also a lot of depth to his character, not to mention the challenge of meeting audience expectation. I didn't expect to be their favorite character simply because comedic relief usually appeals more to the audience, but like anyone who spends time onstage, if you don't give a convincing performance, then it can definitely hurt the entire show. And I wanted this show to be the best it could be! 

So how did I approach rehearsals? Professionally, of course. But I also approached each rehearsal like a performance. It was hard for me to mark (use less of) the damaging voice that I planned on using, because I spent every rehearsal trying to get in touch with the Beast that I needed to be. I needed to compensate for my physical smallness by being bigger with my movements. I needed to give the illusion of weight and strength by making big, slow, sweeping motions; rather than fast, small reactions that I usually do. I also needed to show the depth of the Beast's character. I needed to show how his past as the spoiled little prince shaped him into who he is in the first act of the show. I needed to show his temper, his spoiled-brat attitude, and long-dormant youthfulness while still communicating his fear and intimidation of Belle, because the last time he saw a pretty woman, she changed him into a monster (not to mention the fact that Belle has the power to heal the scars the last woman left)! I won't go any farther into it because I'm not sure how much I should really tell...I want to leave my performance as it was in the minds of those of you who saw it. Let me just say though that there was a lot in this character that I identified with, and it helped me with my connection to the Beast a lot. 

I'm not going to talk about the transformations because if you figured it out...shame on you; if you didn't figure it out, then embrace the mystery!

My song was especially hard to place in my mind. At first, it sounds like the Beast is completely depressed and upset. And that would be easy to portray. So that's what I did. But Chad kept giving me reasons to think about it after each rehearsal, and I came to realize that maybe I wasn't doing it right. We didn't want deep sadness because that needed to be saved for the reprise after he lets Belle go. But we don't want angry because the Beast is more dynamic than that at this point. He's thrown his fits already. I went onto youtube and watched all the performances of this song that I could (all but one of which are really not great). I read the comments too, to see what people would prefer to see in the Beast. These were mostly what helped me figure this song out. "If I Can't Love Her" isn't a song that is sung in sadness or anger, but in realization that something in the Beast needs to change if he has any hope of becoming someone that people would want to talk to or hang out with. It is so easy to blame others or circumstances for making you who you are, and there is good reason to. But if things are to change, it is not the other person or people who need to change. Their attitudes toward you are based on something about you that shouldn't be there. If people are to change their opinions of me, then the change must begin within me. It's not about her loving him. It's about him loving her, before she can love him. If he can't love her, then he is of no good to the world, and the world will take no pity in his misfortune. Again, I identify so closely to this character, and it is really scary. 

I sense Providence had something to do with this. I have been seeking and seeking how to change people's opinions of me. I have been struggling with understanding myself. I have let my circumstances in the past shape who I am. And while I won't say that the past doesn't affect us, this show has really taught me how much the present can shape us as well. In the present, we can decide whether the world is supposed to bring us roses and we can choose to accept them or turn them away, or we can decide to reciprocate that giving, and give an entire library of valuable books, time, love, etc. back to the world. 

Life is a stage. It is a series of choices...decisions...that are made in the moment that shape who we are and guide our story to the happy (or tragic) ending. The past happens before the curtain rises. You learn as an actor that the past is important to grasp before you are ready to perform. So I say again: I sense Providence had a hand in all this. This summer, I discovered a lot about myself by reaching into the past and coming to terms with things. You can watch my long video from June to see what I mean. Now, God placed me in the most unlikely role, while also taking Acting I so I would learn how to look deep into a character for a good performance; all right now so I could take the next step and really realize that after discovering my past, I need to focus on the present and make serious changes within myself and in my treatment of others, rather than expecting people to treat me differently just because I now have found good excuses for being the way I am. 

The Oklahoma Christian University cast of "Beauty and the Beast"

I want to thank all the cast and crew and directors for being so supportive of me in this musical. I have immensely enjoyed working with all of you and I'm really sad that it had to end. I thank all of you who went to see the performances this weekend. SELL-OUT CROWDS ALL THREE NIGHTS! I wonder what musical will be done next year (my last year?) to follow-up this one?

Three weeks in...

School is in full swing once again. Lots of stuff going on, as usual! But I'm trying to keep out of as much as I possibly can to focus on getting my cumulative GPA up to a 2.8 or above for the first time since the fall of my sophomore year...how I've managed to be able to keep myself from losing my scholarships completely is beyond me, but I would rather not have to worry about if this semester is going to be my last one or not. I'm done with that. So this semester, I'm taking classes that will be easy to pass with good grades. Here is my class list:

Voice Lessons
Chorale
Chamber Singers
Diction II: French and German
Physical Fitness and Wellness
Acting I
Stage Movement and Choreography
Intro to Play Production
Class Piano III (& IV?)

That last one is talking about the accelerated Class Piano that I am in on Friday afternoons. We are basically storming through 2 chapters a week, because there are 4 of us in the class who are all good sight-readers. So Dr. Thompson thinks that we will be able to cover the material for both Class Piano III and IV in this single semester! Which is fine by me. Saves me from having to pay for that credit later on!

Acting I is amazing. We get to spend class time doing acting exercises. The class is small, so we are getting to know each other pretty well! We are going to be performing several short scenes for the rest of the class over the course of the semester. I've already got my first partner and scene picked out! We rehearsed for the first time today, and things are going well already! I have a long way to go to become a good actor, but what better way to learn than by doing?

Diction II and Intro to Play Production I've taken before. So that will help my GPA even further by erasing 3 hours of F's and replacing them with 3 hours of (potentially) A's! Also, I used to HATE French. It was so hard for me to figure out. Now, I'm almost bored with the class! It's so much easier the second time around. I wish we had the semester to dedicate to learning just French, and one for just German. It really is hard stuff to learn, and that's the way most schools do it. But we don't do it that way, and so class consists mostly of Dr. Adams repeating the same stuff he's said before and getting upset at the class because they're not learning it fast enough for his taste.

Speaking of Dr. Adams, he is retiring from being the chorale director after this, his 40th, year. Instead of taking a short tour on spring break (which is what we would have normally done), we are having a huge party with all previous alumni of the OC chorale invited to attend! We will sing some literature with a large, hired orchestra, and have a grand ol' time! That's all the details that we have right now. But it is something to look forward to!

Speaking of stuff to look forward to...

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST!

BEAUTY
AND
THE
BEAST!

Yes, fall musical fever has swept the OC music and theater departments once again, but this fever is so much worse than it ever has been! And it's all because we are doing the biggest, most expensive musical we've ever attempted here! There is so much publicity and promotion going on for it. We had a HUGE number of auditionees compared to past years, even last year when we had around 70. This year we had 90 people audition for the 35 member cast. Normally, when I audition, I am nervous, yes...but it is easily controlled and channeled...this year, though, I could hardly sleep. I was freaking out  for 48 hours straight over the course of both days of auditions. I carried so much tension in my body, I was head-to-toe SORE for the next few days as though I had been exercising. I was so sure that there wasn't a place for me in this show, because I can't dance at all (which is important to be in the chorus). So it was either a principal role or none at all, I thought. And this semester, after having been dropped from the opera and the cabaret last spring, I really feel like I had something to prove (those words are actually my voice teacher's, and she is right). Although, I do admit that I need to be able to deal with not getting into shows, no matter how badly I want to. If I want to become a professional performer, this is definitely crucial. Anyway, thus was the most traumatic audition weekend of my life.

I am the Beast. 'Nuff said! :D

Public Sin vs. Secret Sin: We Are Not All So Good At Hiding It

People who judge upset me more than most anything else. People who judge whether a person is right with God or not and then bring upon themselves the authority to ACT upon such judgements...I think they are as much at fault as they whom they judge. Everyone makes mistakes. I can understand if the person's lifestyle and deliberate choices showed that they weren't even trying and didn't care to become better, but when you make judgements on someone who is obviously struggling and barely keeping their head above the water (AKA MYSELF)...I don't understand what heartless person could do something like that.

This only does more harm than good. It is very discouraging, rather then uplifting. I posted a single Facebook status in which I vented some angry feelings about something that was going on in my day, and it included abbreviations of words that were offensive. People commented on it, of course, and said some really helpful and encouraging remarks, nicely pointing out that I need to work on some obvious things. I appreciated those gestures of kindness and caring. I took them to heart, and moved on. Such is the life of any Christian. Different sins, different scenarios...but life is simply living to our best, sinning, learning, and moving on.

Everyone has issues, and we spend most of our lives dealing with them. I'm 20, and made a single Facebook post after a summer of improvement (I feel improved in some ways), and all of a sudden I've got my song leading taken away. That doesn't even make sense! If a person struggles, wouldn't the encouraging thing and uplifting thing be to let them show how much they truly love God? How much they care about him? It's not "mixed signals." It's a reality check for all those who think they have to hide their sins from the church and pretend that we're better people than we are. They see someone whom they know to be struggling get up and lead with a passion that rarely shows itself anywhere else, and THAT is encouragement that can scarce be found in any other context. But right now, I feel so discouraged, let-down, disappointed (not just in myself)...

I feel like a huge problem in the church is the idea that we all need to be such good examples for each other. This is a good attitude, but it can be taken too far. As a child growing up in the church, I would look at my life and see so much wrong with it, and I'd look at the preacher, the elders, etc. and see perfection. Literally. They would say they weren't perfect, but I could never see anything but. And I feel like, to some extent, a lot of the kids in the congregation felt this way. A huge percentage of youth members drop out of the church when they leave for school. It's a proven fact. But why? I won't try to address this issue right now, but something could be made better, I'm sure of it. I don't have answers, but I'm raising questions. Things I'd like to understand better. I want the church to grow and be a light to the world.

Being at college has been the best years of my life, mostly because I've been able to freely make mistakes and to grow. I meet people who are Bible majors at a Christian university who have struggled with way worse than I have...things they are still struggling with. Yet they are some of the strongest, most passionate Christian people I've ever met. NOT because they seem perfect, but because of the opposite. Because I can see my flaws in them, and I can see that I can still be a person with such passion for Christ.

Doesn't that make sense? We are a FAMILY. To BEAR one another's burdens. And I personally don't like to share my burdens when I feel like I'm the only one who has them, petty and "small" as they are. A lot of churches seem to be so "stuffy" and formal, that professionalism and the discouragement of expressing our feelings are all we can see from the outside looking in.

I am currently going to a church where I have TWICE now been discouraged in my walk with God, directly by the way two petty (wrong, but petty) outbursts of mine were dealt with. Yes, the reactions were done out of concern, but I don't feel that they were the right way to have been dealt with. Both issues I had forgotten about by the time they were brought up. This is a problem I have. It is something that will take some time to get past. It is so easy to post something or say something that shouldn't be said. I have trouble with that. I would rather not be kept from serving God while waiting for that day to come when I finally join the majority of people who have learned to sin in secret.

P.S. - I know I'm going to regret posting this...but I feel like it had to be said. I'm just worried that since it's so late tonight, I'll not say all that I wanted to and will not have explained myself well and have confused you all immensely. I apologize. These are just my scrambled thoughts.