Personally, I'm not ready for a serious girlfriend and I've come to accept that -- since I'm anticipating graduating 3 semesters -- I'm probably not going to find her here at OC. And I will spend a few years after graduation starting my career, so it probably won't happen then. All good things come to those who wait, I guess. It makes sense that I'm not supposed to get the thing I want most in this world until I've worked at cleaning the mess that is my life. The same things still bother me and set me off, I still have the same shortcomings, I'm still extremely selfish, and I'm still that quiet person whose social defense is to not talk to people, avoid eye contact, speak only when spoken to, and grin stupidly when I have no idea what else to do.
Thus, my sense of self-worth comes from accomplishments. My grades excite me and depress me more than most people. Being cast in shows is beyond thrilling for me. Productions are always the best experiences of my life, and I throw myself into the shows headfirst because I don't plan on coming back to my real world until curtain on closing night.
So as I look at my semester through those eyes, I would call it the semester of my life! I completed my biggest role ever, while achieving my highest grades ever. I did several smaller scenes, and wrote my first symphony. I managed to keep out of a serious relationship, with God's help. Only with God's help.
You know, a blog is meant to communicate your thoughts and feelings and news to other people, yet as I type this, I feel like I'm bragging. And I am. I take the most pride in myself in...not my physical appearance, social skills, sense of humor, or even my relationship with God...but in my ACCOMPLISHMENTS. For if I don't take pride in them, what is left for me to feel good about myself about? This is my biggest struggle. And in 2012, I'm going to work on it. How?
By taking pride in something more important: my relationship with God. I am going to work on it to the point where I can rest in love and let THAT define who I am. I have fixed things academically and in regards to women, so I feel I can truly focus on this most important thing with those other things not weighing on my mind. It's the closest thing to a RESET button, I guess. There are some things I'm sure I'll never be able to mend, like my relationship to my family and to a bunch of other people, but if I can at least get my right relationship with God, I can have peace of mind. And who knows? Maybe everything will fall into place. Can I really trust my life to Him? I made the decision to do that several years ago. Maybe this semester, this year, I will finally follow through.
