This Is It.

I renounce my faith. I no longer care for or believe in a God.

Do not bother trying to change my mind. I've come so close to this point many times before, but for one reason or another something happens or someone tells me something to bring me back. Not this time. I'm tired. My whole life, I've been fighting to hold onto something that I have felt no conviction for. I am not good at arguing for or against the existence of a God, so I can't give some clever answer to explain this change in me that will have people searching the Bible for answers. I just have lived my 20 years pretending, acting like I give two craps about something or someone that hasn't really done anything for me, no matter how much I have tried to live by the idea that it's about what I can do for him. I know all the arguments. Telling them to me again won't work. I just want to live MY life, and not have a bunch of people tell me how I ought to live it. Obviously it isn't working. People still seem to think that I'm this self-centered arrogant jerk, when I have strived to overcome any sort of attitude I may have that gives people that idea. It doesn't matter. People judge me that way, fine. I shouldn't care. But I do. Jesus doesn't come in and help me see some sort of truth that makes me feel better. I fail out of classes and almost fail out of college every semester. I don't see how any praying has helped me there. It's only through pleading and careful planning and through the grace of the institution and its teachers that I manage to barely stay in. But I have that reputation for being someone who doesn't work hard or care about music or learning about it or passing. YOU THINK I DON'T CARE? I want to become the best musician I can be! That's not arrogance, that's ambition, all you judgemental self-righteous people out there. I've been over this before. People give me these labels, and I do my best to prove them wrong. Prayer doesn't work. Reading the Bible and going to church doesn't work. I only feel like I'm somewhere I don't belong. I feel like my OC friends have rejected me and I am still trying to be a fellow Christian. Well now they have a reason to treat me like I don't exist. I have no life. I don't get invited to hang out, I don't get a "hey what's up?" text or facebook message. I hear my name called in a room, it's always someone else they're talking to. Even girls. They all seem to be repulsed by me, and all I've ever done is try to be nice. To be genuinely interested in others. So I'm not the most outgoing person. So I don't know how to have fun...I didn't have 18 years of social practice like everyone else has! People don't even try to bring me out of my shell. They just assume that because I'm talented and love to sing, and I can do it well, that I think that I'm too good to talk to them. On the contrary! I CRAVE to talk to people. I WANT to have fun with them! But I'm a failure when it comes to being with people. Even girls. I've been broken up with or rejected more times than I can take. I don't want to be alone, but alone is where I can see I'm going to be. I've got too many problems for them to handle. Thanks God. Thanks a lot. School, friends, girls...who I am and who I've been working to be is not taking me anywhere. So I'm giving up my religion. I never really had it, but I tried to. I can't take it anymore. I'm heartbroken, alone, and absolutely terrified of who I am becoming. Well, now everyone has a reason to ignore me and hate me. At least now it is one I can understand and come to terms with.

(For the very few of you who have been good friends to me, I'm sorry you have to read this. I really have enjoyed your friendships at least. They have been what has kept me going.)

Move Along

Well SO much has happened the last three weeks.

I finished the semester with all A's and one B. Good news there!

I went on chorale tour, where we traveled from OKC to New York, Washington DC, Nashville, and various smaller towns in between. I took MANY pictures, because there were many that were worth taking and remembering, and others that weren't. I got sick halfway through, but I was luckily only kept out of 3 performances. Several things were weird with the trip: about a third of the chorale including myself got sick with various ailments (bronchitis, strep throat, throat and nasal infections, the common cold...), the TVs on the bus didn't work the whole time, our driver decided that he wanted to spend an hour telling stories on the extremely loud PA system of his days in Hicksville, and the weirdest thing of all was that Sarah Duvall Locke wasn't on the trip to entertain us with her many GOOD stories of weird happenings in host family homes!

Also on chorale tour: my girlfriend and I broke up. I have mixed feelings about this. "A," I enjoy being single, free, able to look forward to the summer without worrying about being attached to anyone. I can flirt and look around. Yet "B," I love her. I keep checking her profile to see what she's up to, because I don't feel like I can move on if I keep in contact with her right now. I'm not sure I'd WANT to flirt and look around this summer because it wouldn't feel right. Anyway, I'm trying to move on with my life...

I have gotten everything taken care of for my job that can be taken care of right now. All I have left to do is go to re-certification classes this Saturday and Sunday, go to in-training on Monday, and then I can start work, and I've also got a manager meeting to attend early in June. I'll be managing a single pool that was recently acquired, and needed a manager. They offered me more money for me to do that, so of course I accepted! 

So I've got the rest of the week for down time. That means I'll be cleaning out my room here, unpacking into my freshly cleaned room, and looking for a class to take online from HCC. 

I finally got a desk set up where I can use my computer and spread out! I always had to sit in a chair before because the wifi here is confined to a single side of the house. So this afternoon, I moved the desk from my room to the game room upstairs. I set everything up, and its working out perfectly! Here's a picture of it all. Thanks for reading! Have a cookie. Go to Subway or somewhere and get a cookie. A little bit of sugar is always good for the soul.