When we heard that this year's musical was going to be Beauty and the Beast, I was just as excited as everyone else. They warned us that this musical was groundbreaking for Oklahoma Christian University. They warned us that people expected a lot from this production, and that the school had sunk a LOT of money into it.
Which is why I was as skeptical as everyone else when they posted the cast list, putting "Ryan Gonzales" next to "the Beast."
Yes, it was the part I wanted the most. Yes, I was dancing inside when I saw my name. But when the excitement died down, all the pressure sprang up. I've never been a strong actor. Why did they put me in this role? There is only one real song that the Beast sings, so I can't imagine that having much influence on it. I didn't have a very good reputation among my university peers after things that I'd said and done. People didn't want to be around me. I have spent the last year and a half feeling cut off from people, shutting myself away in my room when I had nothing to do, which was often. Even cast members who I would be working very closely with had negative feelings towards me. This was what worried me the most. I wanted more than anything for my fellow cast to enjoy doing this show, and I didn't want to cause them to not enjoy themselves because they had to work with me. I knew this to be true last year, and I wanted nothing more than to begin work on this show with a clean slate.
So I swallowed my fear and made myself confront those who I had been avoiding for more than a year, and apologized for my past immaturity. It needed to be done anyway. I had hopes of rekindling the close friendships that we had had, but that was wishful thinking. Some bonds cannot be retied to the same strength after being severed. But at least we managed to find a good, professional friendship after that. When that was accomplished, I was able to focus on developing my character as the Beast.
Now came a whole new challenge. Going back to what I was saying before...I was never a strong actor. I did decently in past shows, but I never really delivered a strong performance. The Beast, first of all, is supposed to be a pretty big person/animal physically. I'm not that! There is also a lot of depth to his character, not to mention the challenge of meeting audience expectation. I didn't expect to be their favorite character simply because comedic relief usually appeals more to the audience, but like anyone who spends time onstage, if you don't give a convincing performance, then it can definitely hurt the entire show. And I wanted this show to be the best it could be!
So how did I approach rehearsals? Professionally, of course. But I also approached each rehearsal like a performance. It was hard for me to mark (use less of) the damaging voice that I planned on using, because I spent every rehearsal trying to get in touch with the Beast that I needed to be. I needed to compensate for my physical smallness by being bigger with my movements. I needed to give the illusion of weight and strength by making big, slow, sweeping motions; rather than fast, small reactions that I usually do. I also needed to show the depth of the Beast's character. I needed to show how his past as the spoiled little prince shaped him into who he is in the first act of the show. I needed to show his temper, his spoiled-brat attitude, and long-dormant youthfulness while still communicating his fear and intimidation of Belle, because the last time he saw a pretty woman, she changed him into a monster (not to mention the fact that Belle has the power to heal the scars the last woman left)! I won't go any farther into it because I'm not sure how much I should really tell...I want to leave my performance as it was in the minds of those of you who saw it. Let me just say though that there was a lot in this character that I identified with, and it helped me with my connection to the Beast a lot.
I'm not going to talk about the transformations because if you figured it out...shame on you; if you didn't figure it out, then embrace the mystery!
My song was especially hard to place in my mind. At first, it sounds like the Beast is completely depressed and upset. And that would be easy to portray. So that's what I did. But Chad kept giving me reasons to think about it after each rehearsal, and I came to realize that maybe I wasn't doing it right. We didn't want deep sadness because that needed to be saved for the reprise after he lets Belle go. But we don't want angry because the Beast is more dynamic than that at this point. He's thrown his fits already. I went onto youtube and watched all the performances of this song that I could (all but one of which are really not great). I read the comments too, to see what people would prefer to see in the Beast. These were mostly what helped me figure this song out. "If I Can't Love Her" isn't a song that is sung in sadness or anger, but in realization that something in the Beast needs to change if he has any hope of becoming someone that people would want to talk to or hang out with. It is so easy to blame others or circumstances for making you who you are, and there is good reason to. But if things are to change, it is not the other person or people who need to change. Their attitudes toward you are based on something about you that shouldn't be there. If people are to change their opinions of me, then the change must begin within me. It's not about her loving him. It's about him loving her, before she can love him. If he can't love her, then he is of no good to the world, and the world will take no pity in his misfortune. Again, I identify so closely to this character, and it is really scary.
I sense Providence had something to do with this. I have been seeking and seeking how to change people's opinions of me. I have been struggling with understanding myself. I have let my circumstances in the past shape who I am. And while I won't say that the past doesn't affect us, this show has really taught me how much the present can shape us as well. In the present, we can decide whether the world is supposed to bring us roses and we can choose to accept them or turn them away, or we can decide to reciprocate that giving, and give an entire library of valuable books, time, love, etc. back to the world.
Life is a stage. It is a series of choices...decisions...that are made in the moment that shape who we are and guide our story to the happy (or tragic) ending. The past happens before the curtain rises. You learn as an actor that the past is important to grasp before you are ready to perform. So I say again: I sense Providence had a hand in all this. This summer, I discovered a lot about myself by reaching into the past and coming to terms with things. You can watch my long video from June to see what I mean. Now, God placed me in the most unlikely role, while also taking Acting I so I would learn how to look deep into a character for a good performance; all right now so I could take the next step and really realize that after discovering my past, I need to focus on the present and make serious changes within myself and in my treatment of others, rather than expecting people to treat me differently just because I now have found good excuses for being the way I am.
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| The Oklahoma Christian University cast of "Beauty and the Beast" |
I want to thank all the cast and crew and directors for being so supportive of me in this musical. I have immensely enjoyed working with all of you and I'm really sad that it had to end. I thank all of you who went to see the performances this weekend. SELL-OUT CROWDS ALL THREE NIGHTS! I wonder what musical will be done next year (my last year?) to follow-up this one?
